More answers to unasked questions about current events

Published 3:41 pm Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Mr. Answer man has spent months coming up with more answer, so here they are regardless of if anyone asked any questions.

Q: I tried to get rich through naked short selling at the Coupeville Farmers Market. Where did I go wrong?

A: You can only sell shorts naked on Wall Street.

Q: Why is Congress called Congress?

A: Because it’s quicker than calling it The Committee of 435 to Lock the Barn Door After the Horse Gets Out, whether the horse is the economy, war or oil spills.

Q: I’m confused. I’ve been voting to throw the “ins” out, and put the “outs” in for several decades now, and yet the “ins” are always in. Why is that?

A: When you’re not out, you’re in.

Q: I see we now have a war brewing in Korea, to add to our wars in Iran and Afghanistan, not to mention the one we’re cooking up in Iran. How will this all end?

A: The Mexican flag will be planted on the Capitol without firing a shot.

Q: How come our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t being called home to protect our gulf from the huge oil spill, and to keep drugs from coming in from Mexico?

A: They’re too busy protecting Iraqi oil fields and Afghan poppy fields.

Q: Looking at the calendar, there’s not a single three-day weekend in June. What, did we run out of holidays?

A: Congress is on vacation most of June and doesn’t have time to create a new holiday, although “Close Barn Door Day” is under consideration.

Q: I just got my new cable bill from Comcast, and now they’re calling themselves Xfinity. What’s the deal?

A: Comcast needed a single word to describe its corporate philosophy, which is to raise prices to Xfinity.

Q: This year Xfinitiy charged me more, but deleted the station that broadcasts the Mariners game. What should I do?

A: Count your blessings.

Q: Island County wants me to vote to raise my property taxes 31 percent higher than they are today. Would this be wise?

A: As soon as your boss gives you a 31 percent pay increase, vote yes by all means.

Q: I was shopping downtown Oak Harbor and saw nothing but signs complaining about the one-way street plan. What’s what that?

A: That’s the one way out of town for elected city council members.

Q: But isn’t the city paying a consultant to move public opinion its way?

A: It takes more than money to win hearts and minds. Ask General Petraeus.

Unfortunately, a military attack would require armored personnel carriers going the wrong way on the one-way street.

Q: I read that Gen. Petraeus may run for president in 2012 as a Republican. What will his strategy be if he wins?

A: Democrats will be offered bribes to go along with his program, if not, expect a visit by an aerial drone operated by your local Republican Precinct Committee.

Q: I missed the Coupeville Memorial Day Parade when I went on Memorial Day. Did I do something wrong?

A: No, Coupeville is always ahead of its time. Santa comes Christmas 23, and by Dec. 25 they toys are already broken.