The only business in the U.S.A. making money is McDonald’s, but no one will follow their recipe for success.

Prices are cheap, but the real secret is the drive-up window. The Oak Harbor McDonald’s has two lanes that merge into one, and a precision-set of windows that keep the traffic smoothly flowing with no lights or cops. Our freeways would be less dangerous if people had to buy a hamburger before entering.

I can’t eat at drive-ins any more because of the fact that a single quarter-pounder has 410 calories and Big Mac is loaded with 540 calories. I’d have to get a hearse and have someone drive me right to the cemetery after my last drive-up meal. But I miss the drive-up experience, which started for me back in the ‘50s when on special occasions Dad would stop the old Plymouth at the Hilltop in Everett and feed the whole family of 6 with 6 hamburgers for a dollar. Sometimes if he was feeling flush he’d order a chocolate shake with 6 straws.

What I can’t figure out is why other retailers haven’t captured the magic of the drive-up window. It’s not just hamburgers that can be sold that way.

Let’s imagine a place called McUnderwear’s. Lots of guys need new underwear, but it’s too much trauma and trouble to walk into Wal-Mart or Kmart. There are people we might have to make eye contact with, we would have to walk quite a distance, we might have to stand in a line of humans and interact pleasantly, and for sure we’ll have to deal face-to-face with a human cashier only inches away. It’s so much easier to shop from a car and simply reach out your arm to a human in a window who doesn’t have time for pleasantries or small talk due to the line of cars behind yours.

At McUnderwear’s, we could pull into the proper lane and look at the menu. I’ll take the checkered boxer shorts, size XL, please. Make that the three-pack, and throw in a pair of those socks that are on special. Oh, and maybe a t-shirt while you’re at it. Workers behind the window quickly fill a white bag with your order, the person in the window hands it over with no comment, you pay and off you go, with minimum time and human contact wasted. The underwear would also be considerably cheaper than at a regular store because you don’t need an enormous building for people to walk around in.

I’d like to see Ace Hardware put in a drive-up window its sporting goods section so anglers don’t have to mix it up with gardeners and plumbers inside the store. Just give me a couple of swivels, two Buzz Bombs, one pink and one frog-colored, and some 15-pound test leader, thanks. We’d be in and out in a breeze, giving us even more time to stand on the beach and catch nothing.

There’s really not much that couldn’t be sold through a window if retailers put their minds to it. We’ll be needing a new washer and dryer before long, judging by all the thumping and smoking going on, but I’m reluctant to walk into a store and talk to a salesman. If only I could drive up and say give me one of each, white, and hold the mustard.