The following is a tongue-in-cheek letter to the editor from Mike Quinn, Oak Harbor:

Congratulations, dear parent, I represent Schulte Construction and because the home you live in is 30 years old, and no longer ‘keeps up with the Joneses,’ I have concluded that: 1) Renovation is a must as the existing structure has reached the end of its useful life, 2) Interest rates are at record lows; construction costs will only get higher, 3) and why stick to the basics when your children will benefit from their new personal sports court and performing arts center that, in my estimation, is a must for today’s home. Your only qualification is that you must have children enrolled in our local public school system.

We, at Schulte Construction can do all of this for you, one of our like-minded supporters, for only pennies on the dollar. How is it possible you may ask? Simple. The additional costs are deferred to community members who are critical of our monopoly, don’t have children, are retired, on fixed incomes, rent their homes, send their children to private schools, home school and, my personal favorite, commercial property owners who control expensive property and don’t get to vote separately for that at all. (I just love the way this system is set up.)

Don’t feel too bad for your neighbors though. The cost of your home’s renovation will improve the value of the entire neighborhood via the magic of the property value increase of your project and the good fortune of your neighbor’s proximity to that project. It’s a win-win deal and community pride for all. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just mean-spirited, selfish or ignorant.

Your beautiful new renovation will be planned entirely by a select few of my closest associates and working partners, including the architect I chose to work with. He really likes me because I pay him really big bucks and don’t have him worry about competitive bidding. We reserve that time and energy exercise for the blue collar guys who aren’t guaranteed a paycheck.

Thank you for helping me to realize my dreams for the future of this fair city. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that there is no end to the projects similar to yours that need my expertise. All of these projects provide me and my associates with an income and retirement plan much superior to the average test scores of the average child fortunate enough to be in my care.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Rick Schulte, President, Chairman, COO, CFO