Mildred: Harold, they’re back!

Harold: Who, the Democrats?

Mildred: No, the Russians. They’re invading U.S. allies, skirting U.S. skies with their old Bear bombers, and sending their aircraft carrier to Syria just to irritate us.

Harold: Gosh, Mildred, that’s good news. I really missed the Russians. Finally, and enemy we can see, hear, and appreciate again!

Mildred: I know what you mean, Harold. We could never relate to those sneaky terrorists and their efforts to get a suitcase bomb. Really, who cares? They’re not going to blow up Smallville where we live, or most other American towns. But the Russians! They can wipe us all out in minutes! Now that’s what I call an enemy.

Harold: And the TV drama! We can see the oil-guzzling Russian tanks in Georgia, see their bombers being shooed away by Canadian jets, see Putin frowning ominously on TV. Gee, I hope he goes to the U.N. and bangs his shoe on the podium! I loved that Khrushchev guy. Scared us all half to death.

Maude: The new Russian threat will be good for the grandkids. They’re getting too soft with nothing serious to worry about. Remember our old school Bomb Shelter, Harold, with the tins of biscuits and chocolate, huge barrels of water, and iodine pills for radiation sickness? It’s gone. Nobody’s worried about a nuclear attack any more. They’re worried about global warming.

Harold: Right. I can imagine the school Global Warming Shelter. Filled with sunglasses, sunscreen, and water wings in case the sea level rises. Oh, and I bet the kids do Global Warming drills once a week where they run to a shady spot and have a picnic.

Maude: With the Russians back, maybe the schools can return to nuclear attack drills. Talk about a break from the times tables! When the school bell started clanking we all thought we’d be dead in minutes. What was the old drill? Grab your ankles, put your head between your legs, and kiss your posterior goodbye! Taught kids to appreciate life and how fleeting it is. Kids today think they’ll live forever.

Harold: The return of the Russians is also making our presidential campaigns interesting again. I loved McCain’s “We are all Georgians.” He should have said “Ich bin ein Georgian,” but maybe they don’t understand German. If we elect McCain, it could be the end of the world, like they said it would be with Goldwater.

Maude: True enough, Harold, but Obama might try to mollify the Russians, and you know what that means. They’ll gobble up Georgian and we’ll be next in line, eating beet soup in a Siberian slave labor camp. I love these life-and-death decision in the voting booth. It’s survival, stupid, not the economy.

Harold: I wonder who we have to thank for bringing back Russia and our dear old fear of nuclear annihilation.

Maude: Well, Dick Cheney is going to Georgia this week, probably to draw a line in the sand. The same guy who brought us Iraq, torture and the legend of Osama bin Laden has helped bring back the Russian threat.

Harold: We all owe him a debt of gratitude, Mildred. Life would be so boring without him.