“It was confusing for people,” says Tom Ewell. That’s likely an understatement.

The 2018 Whidbey Island Fair featured the usual corn dogs, craft displays, contests and farm animals. In the middle of it all, a booth sported blue on one side, red on the other, and a sign above: “Civility First: So We Can Work Together.” Republicans and Democrats teamed up to staff it. They treated each other, and every visitor, with dignity and respect. Like friends. Like people who could see past divisions to the humanity inside each of us.

Ewell, his wife Cathy Whitmire, and fellow volunteers logged their chats with 427 people that week. All 427 were concerned about family divisions over politics. That’s astonishing. That’s also when Whitmire and Ewell knew they’d done the right thing in helping to found Civility First.

“There’s so much rampant fear,” says Whitmire today. “Love is the only answer.” After the 2016 election, she and Ewell were concerned by the growing distrust and divisions between people with different political opinions. So they gathered with friends to talk about it, but “no one knew what to do,” says Ewell. “Demonstrations weren’t working like they did in the 60s.” Their all-liberal group had an idea: try to understand the perspective of “the other side.”

That idea looks groundbreaking today, or maybe naïve, but it seemed natural to Whitmire and Ewell. Their core beliefs, as Quakers, lead them to walk the world seeing God in all people. Ewell had met Jim Campbell, the late Oak Harbor council man, at a 2010 event. Campbell, known for listening to all sides of divisive issues, had handed Ewell his card and said “call me any time.” Ewell never forgot the offer.

“Any time” turned out to be seven years later. Campbell’s three-word response to Ewell’s call in 2017 still resonates: “I’ll be there.” Civility First, says Whitmire, was born the afternoon “Jim got in his little white truck and drove all the way to Clinton to meet with a group of liberals he didn’t know.”

Campbell believed he could always learn from others and that the truth often lies somewhere in the middle. It didn’t take long for his open-minded conservatism to mesh with his new friends’ progressive passion because they shared something more important: the belief that understanding different perspectives helps us work together to build a strong country. Thus Civility First’s tagline, “So We Can Work Together.”

Imagine if we could all do that. Imagine seeing through disagreement, renaming our “adversary” as our “teacher.” Spreading this idea meant speaking to churches and civic groups, with “red” and “blue” presenters paired up to model their message. Often, they were met with amazement that a liberal and a conservative could address tough issues together as friends.

The word spread. Whidbey news items featured the group. They walked in parades, they hosted more forums. They crafted a Civility Pledge, signed by hundreds of citizens and all three city councils on the island.

There were happy surprises. Close friendships developed that no one saw coming. A Seattle news crew came to Whidbey to cover a Civility Month art contest for local students. They interviewed the winners, then turned the camera on Whitmire and her new friend Sandi Peterson. “You must have known each other a long time,” said the reporter. Taken aback, the women replied no, they’d just met recently and had become dear friends.

The devoted progressive and the staunch conservative had realized they shared far more than what divided them. Their love for families, for each other, and for their Whidbey neighbors, all outweighed their differences. Whitmire deadpanned, “I’m Sandi’s only Quaker, pacifist, vegetarian friend.” Peterson stepped closer, wrapped an arm around Whitmire and dropped an improv of her own: “Everybody needs one.” Their exchange led off that evening’s news.

In 2023, Civility First sponsored a public event to demonstrate their goals in action. With Board President Sandi Peterson hosting, two good friends took the stage. Cameras rolled as Washington’s Lieutenant Governor, Democrat Denny Heck, sat with our Tenth District Senator, Republican Ron Muzzall. When “How to be Friends and Disagree on Politics” wrapped up two hours later, miraculously, the men were still friends.

It can be done! But it’s hard work, and it involves personal risk, says Whitmire. The road has been rocky at times. Some people on both left and right have been suspicious of the group’s motives. The board faced distrust from those who found it easier to be harsh. Board members have lost friends over their support for the group’s core values.

Where do we go from here, as a community and as a nation? Ewell and Whitmire envision leaders who carry hope in their hearts while not denying the tears, pain, and bitterness in the world. Our communities, they say, need open-hearted people who can speak their truth, listen to others, and believe that peace is possible.

Who fits that mold? Ewell and Whitmire glance at each other and say in unison, “Matt.” They mean Pastor Matt Chambers of South Whidbey Assembly of God. They describe him as “a real Christian.” The admiration is mutual.

“Tom and Cathy have lived The Golden Rule to a new dimension,” says Chambers. “They ‘treat others the way they want others to treat them, regardless of how others treat them or others.’ They are committed to the teachings of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. In highly contentious times, Tom and Cathy put their heart, health and soul into getting people to sit down, listen and talk.”

Chambers has seen Ewell’s and Whitmire’s work firsthand: conservatives and progressives, climate change crusaders and deniers, capitalists and socialists, talking and hearing each other. With the uncivil direction in our culture, Chambers says, “Tom and Cathy have been a neon warning light, and an arrow pointing in a better direction. I’ve been honored to spend time with them.”

In a joyous full-circle moment, Sandi Peterson was elected in November to Jim Campbell’s former seat on the Oak Harbor City Council. “I hope I do him proud,” she says, “and I am so glad that my dear friend Jim invited me to Civility First along with Cathy, Tom, and several other wonderful people. Cathy and Tom are the epitome of folks who walk their talk.” Peterson’s fast friendship with Ewell and Whitmire, she says, “has been one of my life’s biggest blessings.”

The COVID pandemic slowed Civility First’s energy, board members got older, and in 2026 the group will determine how and whether there is interest, funding and energy to continue this work. Whitmire and Ewell remind us that the goal of all those who have worked with Civility First has been to decrease polarization and strengthen bonds of affection in families, communities and around our country.

Rare people like Ewell and Whitmire give us all hope. They hold fast to their belief that beauty, kindness and vulnerability can open us up to all that’s good in our neighbors. And they’re still inspired by the words of Abraham Lincoln: “We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it, we must not break our bonds of affection.”

More about Civility First, including the Civility Pledge: civilityfirst.org.

William Walker’s monthly “Take a Breath” column seeks paths to unity on Whidbey Island in polarized times. Walker blogs occasionally at playininthedirt.substack.com.