The world collectively shivered when the first recorded incident of clam flu was reported on Whidbey Island in Washington State, USA.
Clam flu was diagnosed by Island County Health Official Dr. Justin Case, who said he had already made preparations for such a development, just in case.
“The island is literally surrounded by millions of clams squeezed tightly into a small territory, breeding at will and creating all kinds of scary new viruses in the process,” Dr. Case said. “It was only a matter of time until a clam flu virus jumped across the species divide and infected humans.”
The first human to contract clam flu was Ima Spade, who was taking advantage of the spring low tides to dig for horse clams. She gathered half a dozen of the monsters before shuddering and feeling flush.
“I think that virus ran right up my shovel onto my hands,” Ms. Spade said. “I wiped my nose and that was it. I knew I had the clam flu.”
Ms. Spade rushed home and began to exhibit what are now classic clam flu symptoms. She jumped into bed and buried herself deep under the covers, but would occasionally stick her head out and squirt liquid into the air, which is what may have saved her life.
“Mr. Spade called me to the house,” recounted Dr. Case. “But we couldn’t find Ms. Spade. There was just a lump of blankets. But when I saw that squirt coming from the bed, I knew she had to be down there.” Dr. Case quickly dug through the blankets and found his victim.
Taking her temperature, Dr. Case found that the cockles of her heart were 4 degrees above normal. Usually an outgoing person, Ms. Space withdrew into her shell.
“I was afraid we were going to lose her,” Dr. Case said. “Heart cockles can’t stand that kind of heat for long. The biggest fear was that the fever would spread to the brain, rendering Ms. Spade into a permanent chowder head.”
When preparing for clam fever, Dr. Case had theorized that simple steam might be the best remedy, and he was correct. “A room steamer cleaned Ms. Spade right out,” he said. “It tenderized her rigid body and put the virus on the run.” After a few days of recovery, Ms. Spade is now back at work breeding mussels in Penn Cove.
But other islanders aren’t so luck, nor are people who have visited the island since clam flu was first reported. Whidbey General Hospital has more clam flu victims than it can steam, and cases have been reported from New Zealand to England and Mexico. In many areas, it’s hard to walk past a bed without having to duck a stream of spittle. The death rate is uncertain, as it’s hard to tell if clam flu victims are dead until they’re steamed and their mouths don’t open.
On the brighter side, Whidbey Island’s economy is booming thanks to the hundreds of newspaper, TV, radio and Internet reporters raising the alarm about clam flu, and President Barack Obama pledged billions of federal dollars to identify clams that may carry the virus.
But scientists speaking candidly off the record say it all could be too little, too late. “It’s an open and shut case,” one said. “Whidbey Island clam flu may be the end of mankind. I’m afraid we’ve frittered away our existence.”
