The good thing about being a pessimist is that no matter how bad things may seem, you know they can always get worse. Looking ahead, here are some news stories you can expect to break sometime soon.

• Directors of America’s last financially viable bank, Whidbey Island Bank, agreed today to take over CitiBank, Bank of American and Wells Fargo Bank, but only if they don’t have to wear ties on Friday.

• President Barack Obama announced he is raising taxes on the rich by another $3 trillion to pay for universal healthcare, universal jobs, and universal beer for the middle class.

• Housing starts plummeted last month to the lowest level since developers Captain William Bradford, Miles Standish and Squanto built three cabins in the Plymouth Rock Heights subdivision.

• Celebrating our newest holiday, National Earmark Day, Congress approved $4 quadrillion in spending for every capital project ever imagined in their districts, in a effort to kick-start the economy.

• Wonder Bread announced a sale today, offering one loaf of bread for only one wheelbarrow-full of greenbacks.

• General Motors announced a return to profitability, thanks to the demand for wheelbarrows.

• Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire announced a number of lumberjack job openings, to meet the demand for paper at the government’s greenback printing plant. “We’ll have to clearcut the entire state, and that means jobs!” she exclaimed.

• Mexico announced it’s building a fence to keep out Americans looking for work, saying they have been unable to find any practical use for millions of unemployed financial advisors, accountants and stockbrokers.

• China announced it will willing to take American laborers to upgrade its railroad system, but they’ll have to leave when the job is done due to their funny hairstyles.

• Congress increased Social Security payments by 100 percent today, reasoning that the money is worthless, anyway.

• Stocks inched upwards today before plummeting on news.

• President Obama announced that universal health care has finally been implemented, meanings it’s entirely free but unfortunately unavailable at the moment.

• Many South Whidbey Islanders were reportedly starving to death in bread lines as they held out for whole-wheat, gluten-free, organic bread.

•With the dollar useless, Whidbey Islanders have started using clams as a means of exchange, with 10 butter clams in a horse clam, and 100 in a geoduck.

• Whidbey Playhouse mounted an updated production of “Cabaret,” with the hit song, “Geoducks make the world go ‘round.” Admission, 9 clams, 8 for seniors.