Occasionally we receive questions, but if we don’t we make them up. Here are some answers to questions that may be befuddling our reading public.
Q: I see that milk and cheese are selling for half what they were a year ago. I enjoy saving money, but I can’t help but worry about the family farmers. Is the government planning a bailout?
A: The government only bails out Wall Street and huge corporations, but it also feels for family farmers. Congress is instigating a program to turn corn into paper, infuse it with multivitamins, and use it to print edible money. The price of corn goes up and benefits farmers, and the dollar is finally worth something tangible. To feed your family, just go to the bank and borrow some money. Tests show that a bowl of Sawbucks with sugar and milk tastes every bit as good as Fiber One. If you can’t repay the loan, the bank will repossess your pantry.
Q: On July 4, North Korea fired seven missiles. Should I be worried about this?
A: On July 4, my neighbor fired 239 missiles. North Korea should be worried about him.
Q: The supreme mullahs in Iran fixed an election and thousands flocked to the streets to protest. How come that didn’t happen in the U.S.?
A: Thanks to cable TV, we have many more entertainment choices.
Q: It appears that Washington state’s revenues are still falling, and a special budget session will be required in the fall. I’m afraid the Democrats will raise taxes. Do the Republicans have an alternative?
A: As always, the Republicans say we should cut all that wasteful spending and they’ll produce the list of cuts once they regain power.
Q: I see that Boeing’s orders for the year exceed cancellations by one airplane. How can the company keep operating with only one airplane to build?
A: The unions will help by going on strike, demanding more money for building only one airplane. Boeing will fall three years behind in fulfilling its one-airplane order.
Q: I’m running for office in a town that just lost its newspaper due to competition from the Internet. How can I get some coverage on TV news?
A: Simply crash your campaign van with your name emblazoned on its side on I-5 during rush hour. Scream “I’m for lower taxes!” in front of the cameras as they medevac you to the emergency room. If you recover before the election, try it again.
Q: I can’t figure out what President Obama has against Afghanistan. Why escalate a war against a country that couldn’t field a Navy of one dragon boat, whose air force consists of buzzards, and whose armor is corrugated metal?
A. Because Afghanistan isn’t organized. As a community organizer, President Obama prizes organization above all else. Imagine the organizer in your community, always planning block parties, neighborhood watches and multi-family garage sales. You never participate, but what if that organizer had an army and thousands of nuclear missiles? Pretty soon, you’d be out barbecuing with the rest of the ‘hood. After Afghanistan, look for a troop surge in Olympia.
Q: What’s Sarah Palin going to do now?
A: She and Ron Paul will team up to form a new party named after the Canadian coin. Americans, fed up with politics as usual, will vote for the new Loony Party and C-SPAN will suddenly become the most-watched network. Who says politics can’t be entertaining?