Editor’s column: Some answers to your probable questions

Occasionally we receive questions, but if we don’t we make them up. Here are some answers to questions that may be befuddling our reading public.

Q: I see that milk and cheese are selling for half what they were a year ago. I enjoy saving money, but I can’t help but worry about the family farmers. Is the government planning a bailout?

A: The government only bails out Wall Street and huge corporations, but it also feels for family farmers. Congress is instigating a program to turn corn into paper, infuse it with multivitamins, and use it to print edible money. The price of corn goes up and benefits farmers, and the dollar is finally worth something tangible. To feed your family, just go to the bank and borrow some money. Tests show that a bowl of Sawbucks with sugar and milk tastes every bit as good as Fiber One. If you can’t repay the loan, the bank will repossess your pantry.

Q: On July 4, North Korea fired seven missiles. Should I be worried about this?

A: On July 4, my neighbor fired 239 missiles. North Korea should be worried about him.

Q: The supreme mullahs in Iran fixed an election and thousands flocked to the streets to protest. How come that didn’t happen in the U.S.?

A: Thanks to cable TV, we have many more entertainment choices.

Q: It appears that Washington state’s revenues are still falling, and a special budget session will be required in the fall. I’m afraid the Democrats will raise taxes. Do the Republicans have an alternative?

A: As always, the Republicans say we should cut all that wasteful spending and they’ll produce the list of cuts once they regain power.

Q: I see that Boeing’s orders for the year exceed cancellations by one airplane. How can the company keep operating with only one airplane to build?

A: The unions will help by going on strike, demanding more money for building only one airplane. Boeing will fall three years behind in fulfilling its one-airplane order.

Q: I’m running for office in a town that just lost its newspaper due to competition from the Internet. How can I get some coverage on TV news?

A: Simply crash your campaign van with your name emblazoned on its side on I-5 during rush hour. Scream “I’m for lower taxes!” in front of the cameras as they medevac you to the emergency room. If you recover before the election, try it again.

Q: I can’t figure out what President Obama has against Afghanistan. Why escalate a war against a country that couldn’t field a Navy of one dragon boat, whose air force consists of buzzards, and whose armor is corrugated metal?

A. Because Afghanistan isn’t organized. As a community organizer, President Obama prizes organization above all else. Imagine the organizer in your community, always planning block parties, neighborhood watches and multi-family garage sales. You never participate, but what if that organizer had an army and thousands of nuclear missiles? Pretty soon, you’d be out barbecuing with the rest of the ‘hood. After Afghanistan, look for a troop surge in Olympia.

Q: What’s Sarah Palin going to do now?

A: She and Ron Paul will team up to form a new party named after the Canadian coin. Americans, fed up with politics as usual, will vote for the new Loony Party and C-SPAN will suddenly become the most-watched network. Who says politics can’t be entertaining?

More in Opinion

In Our Opinion: No matter the nuisance, accessibility to public records is vital

The Public Records Act is based on the concept that the government should be transparent.

Sound Off: The sooner we’re vaccinated, the sooner we’ll be back to normal

We all wish COVID-19 was over, don’t you? Eighteen months into this… Continue reading

Dave Paul
Sound Off: Local law enforcement needs continued investments

In my three years in office, I’ve spent a lot of time… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Servers need higher wages, even if it means $10 shakes

Workers simply need a livable wage, not just a living wage.

In Our Opinion: Unvaccinated need to take responsibility for their choices

The pandemic in America would be over if everyone had gotten vaccinated.… Continue reading

Rockin’ a Hard Place: An irresistible urge to emerge takes hold, on and off the Rock

One of the benefits of this urge for me was recalling what I miss about our Rock while far from it.

In Our Opinion: With tourism at all-time high, change in investment needed

More money could be spent on long-term, concrete investments related to tourism.

In Our Opinion: Meetings should be recorded, posted online even after COVID

One of the few silver linings of the pandemic has been the… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Barriers to prevent bridge suicides worth considering

Two suicides at Deception Pass Bridge in July have reignited a community… Continue reading

San Antonio - Torch of Friendship
Rockin’ a Hard Place: Opportunity to make statue a landmark slipping away

Oak Harbor could use a big landmark, something people recognize and talk about when they visit.

In Our Opinion: Island County’s pandemic bonuses are a smart idea, if legal

The latest federal stimulus plan, the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021,… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Welcome back, Whidbey Island Fair, how we missed ya

After a year marked by fear, divisiveness and distancing, attending the Whidbey… Continue reading