News watchers know that on the far south end of our fair isle, several homes were almost demolished when water swept down a canyon and carried mud and debris into yards and structures. The build-up of water was caused by a single busy beaver, who as far as can be ascertained, is not the subject of a prosecutorial investigation, as he properly should be.

Why the prosecutor is taking it easy on the beaver is not clear, other than the fact that the creature is not a human. But all this does is display species-bias, which is the next big human bias to be overcome. Fortunately, Island County is a pioneer in allowing every animal his or her day in court, thanks to the Smiley case. Once doomed to be put to sleep, Smiley, a pit-bull impersonator or, more properly, imcanineator, has extended his life at least three dog years by being represented by a competent attorney.

The beaver has to be assumed innocent, of course, as we can’t prove he, or she, guilty until charges are filed and a trial is held. For the sake of convenience, we will call the suspect Bucky, because we used to like to sing along with the jingle, “Buckeeeee, Bucky Bucky, Beaver, Tooth Paste!”

Although the prosecutor seems to be asleep at the beaver dam, the number of violations Bucky could be charge with is nothing to shake a tail at. He certainly violated the critical areas ordinance by venturing into a wetland for his construction project, for which no county permits were obtained. Bucky should face hefty fines for both violations, and for not getting a final code inspection when the project was finished. At the state level, he no doubt needed a hydraulics permit, and the dam required approval by the federal Army Corps of Engineers. Finally, Bucky is criminally responsible for the devastation wreaked by his thoughtless incompetence.

The dam was obviously built in a shoddy fashion. Perhaps Bucky was working in one of Island County’s many methamphetamine runoff areas, and he’s addicted. The best way to find out is to check him out for meth mouth. If his two front teeth are brown and decaying, he’s our beaver.

The prosecutor isn’t entirely to blame for the beaver debacle. There is no proper place to file charges against an animal and where a fair trial can be held. That’s why Island County needs to fund an Animal Court, to go along with its Superior Court, District Court, Family Court, Juvenile Court and Drug Court. One more court won’t cost that much, not when equal rights for our animal friends is at stake. I have an aptly-named cousin-in-law named Monte Wolfe who has practiced law in Island County. Make him the judge of Animal Court.

How’s our beaver story end?

“Guilty!” howled Animal Court Judge Wolfe, sentencing Bucky to five years of hard labor, felling trees for the Department of Natural Resources.

But he’s free on appeal, as his defense attorneys argue that, as an addict, Bucky should have been tried in Island County Animal Drug Court.