Washington State Ferries is teaching terrorism classes on board this week and we can only imagine how it will go.

We all want to help fight terrorism, but exactly what kind of suspicious activities should we report to authorities? Fortunately, we have purloined a classified question and answer transcript from the ferry system’s Web site, www.terrorboat.com.

Question: Mr. Terrorism expert sir, I see a lot of suspicious looking people aboard the ferries, some of whom aren’t even working for the ferry system. Should I report swarthy looking men of Middle Eastern descent, who might have a bomb in their autographed Osama bin Laden backpack? I hear he’s getting more marketing contracts these days than Tiger Woods.

Answer: Never report anyone because of their skin pigmentation, which could be construed as bias. You might end up in front of a judge yourself, defending against a discrimination lawsuit.

Question: Does this go only for Middle Eastern men?

Answer: No, it covers blacks, hispanics, even pale Scandinavians whose rights are staunchly protected by the Sons of Norway.

Question: What if he looks furtive? Say, a furtive man with an Osama backpack.

Answer: Facial expressions are like skin color, open to a biased interpretation. So, no, you need more than a furtive man with an Osama backpack to call the authorities.

Question: How about if he’s an albino? Albinos have no skin pigmentation and therefore no group defending their rights.

Answer: I suppose you could report a furtive-looking albino wearing an Osama backpack. None of our terrorist sensitivity classes sponsored by Homeland Security has ever warned us to protect the rights of furtive-looking albinos.

Question: Great, then I know what to look for. What if this furtive albino leaves his Osama backpack on the ferry? Should I look inside and see if it’s a bomb?

Answer: That’s the last thing you should do. Call 911, and they’ll call the directors of FEMA and Homeland Security. If they’re not out having a nice dinner, or maybe on a three-day weekend in Vegas, they’ll set the wheels of government in motion. Within 72-hours, the President will be on TV, looking concerned but telling people not to worry, everything is under control, especially in his bunker in Kansas.

Question: So the ferry system is halted for 72-hours while the authorities make up their minds? How about if we just shove the backpack into Puget Sound, where the water’s 600-feet deep?

Answer: Don’t be absurd. An underwater blast could endanger chinook salmon, which are already listed as threatened. Anyone who shoves the suspected bomb overboard would be considered an environmental terrorist and would have the FBI to deal with.

Question: So what’s the plan if we find a furtive albino’s Osama backpack on a ferry?

Answer: We’ll have to evacuate the entire Puget Sound region, sending everybody to Cle Elum, which spelled backwards is Mule Elc. Obviously, our pioneers couldn’t spell “elk.” Cle Elum will have a population of six million folks living in single-wides and dining on MRE’s. Should be great for the TV cameras, which will show the world that the government has its act together on terrorism.

Question: What about the ferries?

Answer: With everyone in Cle Elum, we won’t need them anymore. The albinos can keep them.