Islanders with chickens are no doubt freaking out like the rest of the world about bird flu, and I can understand why.

I have fond memories of growing up on a small farm where chickens were part of the family. We’d throw them corn every morning, collect their warm brown eggs, and for Sunday dinner chop off their heads. Dad would always let the kids chase the wildly flopping headless chicken bodies down the hill, as violent video games had not yet been invented. It was great family fun.

I don’t have any chickens now, but am sympathetic to families with chickens who are worried about the bird flu. The only advice I can offer comes from the experience of raising three kids who were susceptible to the flu on an annual basis.

The only sure way to keep your chicken from getting the flu is to keep her isolated from other chickens. The henhouse is like a school, full of bird-brained germ carriers with runny beaks and no sanitary habits. They rub their beaks on others’ feathers, not thinking of the contamination, so it’s best to keep them separate. Unfortunately, this is impossible. Having the chicken around the house in the daytime is terribly annoying and makes it difficult to follow the story lines of the soap operas. So you end up keeping the chicken in the henhouse even though it’s sure to get the bird flu there.

When the inevitable day arrives and your chicken arrives home with a runny beak, hot forehead, hacking cough and upset gizzard, there’s only one thing to do: Make a mad dash to the drugstore to purchase overpriced remedies that are scientifically proven not to work. Nightall, Dayall, Night&Dayall, Thermaflu, Warmaflu, Chilliflu, Dimetab, Nickeltab, Pennytab, it’s all the same — useless. However, your sick chicken will feel much better knowing you wasted so much time and money all because of her.

Now that the ill chicken is pointlessly medicated, you might consider giving it something to eat. The traditional flu meal is chicken soup, but it may not be the best thing to give a chicken with the bird flu. Throughout this world ravaged by bird flu, highly paid medical ethicists are meeting at exclusive beachside resorts to discuss the morality of this situation.

Is it moral to feed chicken soup to a sick chicken? On the one hand, the chicken would feel better. On the other hand, it’s cannibalism. Let’s order another round of Singapore slings and think about this some more, out in the cabana!

Your bird like most birds will probably survive the bird flu and be back in the henhouse in no time. The only worry is that the bird flu will learn to jump species and infect humans, meaning you’ll be the one getting sick. The best way to keep that from happening is to think about what you’re having for dinner next Sunday. Anybody seen the axe?