Shrink: So, what brings you here? Most people in the community are elated, not depressed.
Patient: I know I should be happy, doc, but I can’t shake the feeling that things aren’t right and that they’ll never be the same. A tradition has ended, people such as myself will never be comfortable again.
Shrink: Describe yourself in one word, please.
Patient: Loser. I’m a Northwest loser. I was conditioned that way since birth by our professional sports teams. They lose, we lose, it’s an unwritten contract. Loser is our first, middle, and last name.
Shrink: I guess you can’t say we’re all losers now that the Seahawks are NFC champions and playing in the Super Bowl. Do you find that threatening?
Patient: That’s putting it mildly. It undermines my entire philosophy, my reason d’ existence, as the French say. If winning is now the standard in the Northwest, that means I’m no longer satisfied with losing. I’ll have to change my entire approach to life.
Shrink: It’s not like you’ve never tasted winning. The Supersonics won it all back in what, ‘79?
Patient: That was a fluke, the exception that made the rule. It was an unusual year. Bill Russell and Wilt had retired, Bill Walton was hurt, Michael Jordan was still in knickers. The NBA was a huge pack of mediocrities. We beat Wes Unseld and the Bullets. So what? And after that, the Sonics returned to losing and are still doing a good job of it today.
Shrink: Didn’t the Mariners win a few titles?
Patient: Right, they dominated their four-team division for a few years, in a 32-team league. Never won the pennant, never made it to the World Series, now they’re one of the losingest teams in baseball again. I’m comfortable watching the Sonics and Mariners. I know they’re going to lose so there’s no stress. I can eat popcorn, drink beer and go home. Don’t even have to stand up to watch the game because most people are dozing in their chairs. Losing has always been a pleasant experience.
Shrink: You find winning stressful you say?
Patient: It’s awful. I was at a Seahawks game and the fans were all on their feet screaming, I couldn’t hear myself think. They actually believed we could win. They started worshiping Mike Holmgren. Whatever happened to Jack Patera, the lovable loser? When Patera was coach, any win was an event. Now it’s the Super Bowl or nothing. Somebody raised the bar without my permission.
Shrink: So you resent the Seahawks for winning?
Patient: You hit the bird on the head. What if winning is contagious, and the Mariners and Sonics start doing it? Suddenly Seattle will be on the map, people who live around here will be expected to at least get promoted on the job once in a while. I’ve been doing the same thing for 20 years, now my co-workers are wondering if there’s something wrong with me. I long for the days when failure was the standard.
Shrink: Well, maybe the Seahawks will lose in the Super Bowl. That should relax you a little bit.
Patient: That’s the trouble doc, I find myself really wanting them to win. I want it all. There’s no turning back now. I’ll never be the same again.
Shrink: Well, there are worse things than being a winner, though they do tend to succumb to stress at an early age. Which reminds me, I want cash in advance for this session. If the Seahawks win Sunday, I’m afraid a born loser like you will drop dead from the excitement.
