Question: I hear I should roll over my 401K into a Roth 401K but I’m not sure how to do this. Who was Roth, anyway?

Answer: Babe Roth, played for the Yankees way back before steroids. You roll over your 401K into a Roth by spending all you money on hot dogs, beer and high living, then you don’t have to worry about it any more. You’ll sleep like a babe.

Question: I’m unsure whether to invest in large cap companies or small cap companies. What do you think?

Answer: It should be obvious. Large caps fit fatheads, do you want your money in the hands of fatheads? On the other hand, small caps fit pointy-headed intellectuals who know how to manage a buck.

Question: Goodness gracious, the stock market lately has been like a rollercoaster that goes only one direction, and that’s down. What gives?

Answer: President Bush made a huge mistake by appointing a disabled man as Federal Reserve chairman. It’s thrown investors into a tizzy.

Question: Ben Bernanke is disabled?

Answer: Yes, he’s got only one hand. Two weeks ago he said he was worried about inflation, and ended his sentence there. To keep markets stable you have to talk like Alan Greenspan: “Yes, inflation is a bit of a concern with gas prices tripling, but on the other hand radishes will remain reasonable for the forseeable future.” That kind of two-handed balance soothes the analysts.

Question: So should they fire Bernanke?

Answer: No, next time he speaks just give him a big hand.

Question: I’ve worked hard all my life and put my money in a savings account at the corner bank. Was this smart?

Answer: We won the cold war, you idiot. We’re all capitalists now. You should have been investing you money in the stock market like all good Americans. I’m reporting you to the House Unamerican Activities Committee.

Question: I’d like to make a lot of money in cattle futures but forgot how. Can you help me?

Answer: I can’t believe you’d ask this question, Hillary.

Question: I was watching a TV shopping channel when they put shiny new Sacajawea dollar coins on sale for only $25 each. I invested half my savings in them. Now I’m wondering if that was smart, especially after my wife told me that all that glitters is not gold right before she walked out the door.

Answer: Your wife was right, some things that glitter are silver. I’ve got shiny new quarters I’m willing to sell for only $10 each, so send me the other half of your savings.

Question: I’ve been saving for retirement but I’m not sure I have enough put aside. Do you think $750 is enough?

Answer: Most people plan for their retirements backwards. It’s not how much money you’ve got that counts, it’s how long you’re going to live. Your retirement fund should be sufficient as long as you plan to die one week after pocketing your gold watch. You can buy a nice cemetery plot for $750, if you’re into real estate.

Question: Speaking of real estate, the value of my house has doubled since I moved in three months ago. Should I sell now before the real estate bubble bursts. And if so, where should I move to?

Answer: Sure, you can take you profits, buy a cheap house in North Dakota and live happily ever after. With all your extra money you can buy fuel for the winter.

Question: I’m massively in debt, can’t control my spending and love to hand out money to my friends even if I have to borrow it. What should I do?

Answer: You’re only qualified for one job. Run for Congress.