Every morning before leaving for work or any lengthy trip away I’ve always prepared my house to fend off attacks by what have to be the world’s dumbest criminals.

Who else would be deterred from crime by which lights are left on in my house?

Before leaving the house, the big question in my mind is, “Which lights shall I leave on today?” My theory is that burglars watching from the woods across the street will be confused by my lighting decisions. So will the daytime burglars who cruise around the neighborhood, trying to figure out who’s home by what lights are shining in the house.

This morning, I decided to leave the two kitchen ceiling lights on. That’s because the day before I left the entryway light on, and I didn’t want the burglars to think I was gone for a long period because the same light was on today as yesterday.

This is how burglars think, or at least how I think they think. Nothing will throw them off quicker than an unexpected light left on somewhere in the house.

Other times I think a light in the living room will keep the burglars away. “Can’t rob that house,” they’re probably thinking. “Someone may be in the living room, even though it appears empty. Possibly they’re lying on the floor, reading.”

Sometimes I like the burglars to think someone is home sick. I do this by leaving a light on in the bedroom and another light on in the bathroom.

“All this guy needs is the bedroom and the bathroom,” the burglar is thinking. “Better not break in, I might catch the flu.”

If I leave the lights on in all three bedrooms and both bathrooms, the burglars think the plague has visited out house and they run like the wind to get away.

When I think the burglars are getting wise to the upstairs lighting pattern, I’ll throw their nefarious scheming into a tizzy by leaving on the downstairs light, plus the light in the adjoining garage.

“Upstairs totally dark, lights on downstairs,” the burglar surmises, scratching his unshaved chin. “Guy must be spending the day cleaning up down below. Can’t chance a break-in today.”

Sometimes I’ll try to confuse the burglars by just leaving the hallway light on. From outside, this casts a pale light into the living room, but you can’t tell where it’s coming from.

“There could be someone hiding in the hallway,” the burglar could be thinking. “Armed to the teeth, ready to blow me away if I try the door. Better try the house down the street.”

One light I never leave on is the porch light, as this is a dead give-away to burglars. You might as well leave the front door open with the “Welcome, burglars” mat out, as the porch light tells them you’re gone and won’t be home until after dark. You want your house robbed, just leave the front porch light on for them.

This obsession with anti-burglar lighting seems to have paid off, as in all the years I’ve been leaving the house it’s never been burglarized. Maybe I’ll go into the consulting business.

For a reasonable fee, I’ll tell you when it’s best to leave your refrigerator light on.