The following items were selected from reports made to the Island County Sheriff’s Office:

Monday, March 27

At 10 a.m., a Monkey Hill Road resident reported that her husband’s face makes clicking noises every time he blinks. She said she might divorce him.

At 2 p.m., a Jones Road resident reported that someone stole his glasses. He called back to say he found them on his head.

At 5:45 p.m., a caller reported that a man walking along the highway smiled suspiciously. She said he was wearing shoes.

At 7:20 p.m., a driver reported that an elk walking along Strawberry Point Road seemed doleful and possibly even lugubrious.

At 10:20 p.m., there was a report of glowing naked people running around a meadow on Zylstra Road.

Tuesday, March 28

At 5:15 a.m., a man at the Oak Harbor Marina reported that a senior citizen with an eye patch and a peg leg stole his sailboat.

At 6 a.m., a West Beach Road resident reported that teenagers were “up to no good” and needed hair cuts. She said they were probably thinking about smoking cigarettes and using rude words.

At 10:20 a.m., a man on an Island Transit bus reported that a strange woman wearing a scarf was taking photos of fellow bus riders.

At 12 p.m., a man in Coupeville reported finding an “unfathomable” number of dead flies in his office. He said they are icky and make him feel funny inside.

At 2:30 p.m., a caller reported that an odd woman was stumbling around drunk and laughing loudly in the woods off Henni Road.

At 6 p.m., a raccoon was reported near Silver Lake Road.

At 7:20 p.m., two raccoons were reported near Silver Lake Road.

Wednesday, March 29

At 7:30 a.m., a caller in Freeland reported that a loud, bearded man with a camera bag was asking people odd questions and scribbling in his notebook. She said the man may seem angry and cocksure but was really soft and sensitive on the inside.

At 12:30 p.m., a woman in Coupeville reported that someone keeps stealing her protein shakes from the refrigerator. She said she suspects a man who sniffs hand sanitizer.

At 3:45 p.m., an Arnold Road resident reported that neighbors were beating an old printer with baseball bats in a field.

At 6 p.m., a caller on Fakkema Road reported that he ate too much pudding and his tummy hurts.

At 8:48 p.m., a resident on South Main Street reported an ongoing problem with her upstairs neighbor walking too loudly. She said she also suspects the upstairs neighbor receives “adult” toys in the mail.

Thursday, March 30

At 2:22 p.m., a Jones Road resident reported that deer were hiding behind a shed and “twerking.”

At 3 p.m., a retired teacher working in Coupeville reported that a co-worker with a messy desk keeps making inappropriate jokes and looking at inappropriate things on her computer.

At 3:45 p.m., a man on Newman Road reported that his girlfriend pierced his nipple with a rusty nail and now it kind of hurts.

At 6:20 p.m., a Sleeper Road resident reported that a neighbor’s dog house was on fire. The caller claims the Doberman Pinscher had been playing with matches in recent days.

At 8:20 p.m., a young, friendly Oak Harbor man reported that his wife is pregnant.

Friday, March 31

At 10 a.m., a caller reported that she had a great idea for a new reality show.

At 1:22 p.m., an Admirals Cove resident reported that a man regularly walks a big dog named “Buster” that scares everyone in the neighborhood. He said the dog is known to swallow eagles whole and chase grown men up trees.

At 4 p.m., a caller reported that a man in a “freaky green suit” with matching hat and ties was wearing a sash in downtown Oak Harbor. The caller reported that other suspicious people wearing green and kids playing instruments also seemed to be milling around the street.

At 6:22 p.m., a teenager on Parker Road reported that his older brother cheated when they were playing Halo. The caller requested that an officer “rough up” his brother and confiscate his remote control for evidence.

At 7 p.m., a caller reported that a duck followed him home and squirrels were looking at him funny.

At 9:30 p.m., a resident reported seeing William Shatner walking on Monkey Hill Road.

At 10:30 p.m., a man said he woke up next to a mannequin in a strange place.

Saturday, April 1

At 12:01 a.m., April Fools!