FAITHFUL LIVING: We are measured by how we act in times of stress

Published 3:00 pm Tuesday, November 19, 2002

It was a gorgeous summer day when my brother, dad, and I snuck away — just the three of us — for a modified family pow wow.

We had been exploring a small county fair when my dad and brother announced it was almost lunchtime. I directed them outside where I knew the aromas surrounding the food booths would lure them from the animal barns where we had spent most of the morning.

For months my brother and I, our spouses and children, have been mourning as individuals the end of our parents’ long-time marriage.

And because we are typical Americans, we have faced the pain in relative isolation, for we have planted our adult lives where careers and lifestyles seemed most amenable. Because a weeks-long summer break allowed us to close the miles that naturally separate us, we decided our family members would vacation together, to play and to heal.

That particular day stands out in my mind for several reasons. The sun felt good on my back. The scone I ate was to die for. And for the first time in years I had my dad and brother all to myself. But the two men I saw, sitting there across the table from me, were filled with pain.

Dad looked gray. His gaze was frequently downcast and his eyes often filled with tears without warning. His lip would quiver and we would rush to hold his hand or rub his back, or simply listen to his raw pain. Divorce was never a part of his life planning. Even being with his children and grandchildren, while healing, was also painful at that stage. He did not want to be a grandfather, living alone.

My brother and I looked equally pained. Brian appeared drawn and I sensed he had, at moments, less patience for some of the small irritants in his life. His reserves were low. I had gained weight, for eating even when I was not hungry was frequently a choice I made when the waves of grief flooded my life. I also lacked incentive to exercise.

The day also stands out because of our conversation. We talked about the blessings in our lives: good health, modest but reasonable financial security, great kids, work that is fulfilling.

We reminded each other that people do not live without eras of great stress, sadness, and trauma. Because we have experienced such good fortune in our lives, we realize this marital breakup is our time to dig deep and hold on to our sources of strength and hope.

How we react will, we now conclude, measure us as individuals. We have decided the best policy is to recommit to areas of our lives where we exercise some power and control. We will communicate more regularly. We will give voice to our love without embarrassment. We will more aggressively plan extended family adventures.

My brother and I will work even harder to stay happily married so we can give our children hope that marriages can withstand the test of time.

While coping with divorce has caused us to face the various stages of grief, there are many life experiences that plunge people into grief. Retirement, a decline in health, and a home disaster can cause grief.

Think about the number of people who lost their homes to tornadoes this week. The death of a pet, a loved one, and a child moving away can also cause grief.

It is important to be knowledgeable about the stages of grief so you can work through them and be assured your feelings are natural and resolvable. While there is no order to the stages, no rules regarding the length of time one might grieve, or an expectation that those who grieve will all grieve alike, there are identifiable faces to grief.

Grief often begins with feelings of shock that can have real physical ramifications. Those who grieve can express their grief with tears, anger, frustration, resentment, guilt, panic, and a rise in blood pressure. Some people lose sleep. Others, like me, want to sleep more.

You may feel lonely and depressed and it might descend with no warning, triggered by a conversation, memory, song, scent, food, or picture.

Those who grieve frequently resent the changes they must make and resist those changes for a time. They struggle to affirm the new realities in their life. But the moment there is a feeling of hope is the signal your grief is abating.

Thankfully, I’m experiencing the final stage. My emotions have leveled out and it is a new normal that I’m working to accept with grace. Next week I’ll finish this series by talking about God’s very personal touch throughout the experience.