Congress willing to make ‘sacrifices’
July 26, 2011 · Updated 12:47 PM
In a bold, last minute move Congress today finally agreed on a solution to the budget deficit. “We are confident all sides will find no fault with this approach” Congressman Norm Donothing, of Iowa, told CNN this morning.
The agreement, widely supported by Republicans and Democrats, is expected to sail past both houses and the president later this week. The strategy, which some critics say is temporary at best, involves frequent, modest, incremental spending cuts with no increase in taxes for corporations. But the reductions will not impact major welfare or entitlement programs and should virtually guarantee voter loyalty for incumbents at upcoming elections. Senator Constance Gridlock, from South Carolina, explained. “We have now realized that the way to appease the voting public is to take the hit on our own court,” she told NBC News anchor Brian Williams, with a self-satisfied smile.
As outlined in the plan, the first cuts would reduce the temperature of the Congressional swimming pool by 1 degree C. A 12-hour debate did occur over whether it should be 1 degree F or 1 degree C, but both sides finally settled on Centigrade as they figured they were in hot enough water already. In addition, trash will now be picked up in the House and Senate office buildings every other day. Congressional members or their staff will be expected to take trash out themselves on alternate days.
Police escorts will be provided to the dumpsters behind the office buildings if requested, although critics point out this could offset the predicted cost savings of the proposal. One Senate staffer told CNN that since he already covers his boss’s rear and handles his dirty laundry, he would be damned if he was going to take his trash out too. The measure will take effect after the 2011 Christmas holiday, when all those messy parties and gift exchanges are over.
Finally, the Congressional golf courses will no longer sell golf equipment, including balls and tees, in the pro-shop. “No one buys these things anyway,” exclaimed Senator Rob Hacker, Delaware. “The way I look at it, if you don’t have the balls to play the game, you shouldn’t show up at the course in the first place.” “Well-said, Bob,” exclaimed Hacker’s foursome partner, lobbyist Will Scratchurback, as he fired his first tee shot out of bounds. “Uh, we still get Mulligans, don’t we?”
The combined effects of the administrative cuts should allow the government to continue to run all the way through Thursday, when a new round of reductions will be announced. “We’re looking now at whether we really need pretzels on government VIP flights,” Congressman Ican Stonewall, of New Jersey, said this morning on CNBC. “It should be obvious to the nation that we are truly rolling up our sleeves. I wouldn’t be surprised to see even more drastic moves in the future,” Stonewall said as he slid into his waiting limousine with seats made of fine, Corinthian leather. “I’m sure if we just look around, we each would find, in our own small way, little things we can all do to help our nation. Heck, a lot of the time they can be right under our noses.”
“Well-said, darling” his driver, Madeleine Easystreet complimented, as the congressman closed the door. “My place or yours? “Mine’s closer, saves gas?”
“That’s the spirit” he replied.