Opinion

More answers to unasked questions about current events

Mr. Answer man has spent months coming up with more answer, so here they are regardless of if anyone asked any questions.

Q: I tried to get rich through naked short selling at the Coupeville Farmers Market. Where did I go wrong?

A: You can only sell shorts naked on Wall Street.

Q: Why is Congress called Congress?

A: Because it’s quicker than calling it The Committee of 435 to Lock the Barn Door After the Horse Gets Out, whether the horse is the economy, war or oil spills.

Q: I’m confused. I’ve been voting to throw the “ins” out, and put the “outs” in for several decades now, and yet the “ins” are always in. Why is that?

A: When you’re not out, you’re in.

Q: I see we now have a war brewing in Korea, to add to our wars in Iran and Afghanistan, not to mention the one we’re cooking up in Iran. How will this all end?

A: The Mexican flag will be planted on the Capitol without firing a shot.

Q: How come our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t being called home to protect our gulf from the huge oil spill, and to keep drugs from coming in from Mexico?

A: They’re too busy protecting Iraqi oil fields and Afghan poppy fields.

Q: Looking at the calendar, there’s not a single three-day weekend in June. What, did we run out of holidays?

A: Congress is on vacation most of June and doesn’t have time to create a new holiday, although “Close Barn Door Day” is under consideration.

Q: I just got my new cable bill from Comcast, and now they’re calling themselves Xfinity. What’s the deal?

A: Comcast needed a single word to describe its corporate philosophy, which is to raise prices to Xfinity.

Q: This year Xfinitiy charged me more, but deleted the station that broadcasts the Mariners game. What should I do?

A: Count your blessings.

Q: Island County wants me to vote to raise my property taxes 31 percent higher than they are today. Would this be wise?

A: As soon as your boss gives you a 31 percent pay increase, vote yes by all means.

Q: I was shopping downtown Oak Harbor and saw nothing but signs complaining about the one-way street plan. What’s what that?

A: That’s the one way out of town for elected city council members.

Q: But isn’t the city paying a consultant to move public opinion its way?

A: It takes more than money to win hearts and minds. Ask General Petraeus.

Unfortunately, a military attack would require armored personnel carriers going the wrong way on the one-way street.

Q: I read that Gen. Petraeus may run for president in 2012 as a Republican. What will his strategy be if he wins?

A: Democrats will be offered bribes to go along with his program, if not, expect a visit by an aerial drone operated by your local Republican Precinct Committee.

Q: I missed the Coupeville Memorial Day Parade when I went on Memorial Day. Did I do something wrong?

A: No, Coupeville is always ahead of its time. Santa comes Christmas 23, and by Dec. 25 they toys are already broken.

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