More answers to unasked questions about current events
By JIM LARSEN
Whidbey News Times Editor
June 1, 2010 · Updated 3:41 PM
Mr. Answer man has spent months coming up with more answer, so here they are regardless of if anyone asked any questions.
Q: I tried to get rich through naked short selling at the Coupeville Farmers Market. Where did I go wrong?
A: You can only sell shorts naked on Wall Street.
Q: Why is Congress called Congress?
A: Because it’s quicker than calling it The Committee of 435 to Lock the Barn Door After the Horse Gets Out, whether the horse is the economy, war or oil spills.
Q: I’m confused. I’ve been voting to throw the “ins” out, and put the “outs” in for several decades now, and yet the “ins” are always in. Why is that?
A: When you’re not out, you’re in.
Q: I see we now have a war brewing in Korea, to add to our wars in Iran and Afghanistan, not to mention the one we’re cooking up in Iran. How will this all end?
A: The Mexican flag will be planted on the Capitol without firing a shot.
Q: How come our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t being called home to protect our gulf from the huge oil spill, and to keep drugs from coming in from Mexico?
A: They’re too busy protecting Iraqi oil fields and Afghan poppy fields.
Q: Looking at the calendar, there’s not a single three-day weekend in June. What, did we run out of holidays?
A: Congress is on vacation most of June and doesn’t have time to create a new holiday, although “Close Barn Door Day” is under consideration.
Q: I just got my new cable bill from Comcast, and now they’re calling themselves Xfinity. What’s the deal?
A: Comcast needed a single word to describe its corporate philosophy, which is to raise prices to Xfinity.
Q: This year Xfinitiy charged me more, but deleted the station that broadcasts the Mariners game. What should I do?
A: Count your blessings.
Q: Island County wants me to vote to raise my property taxes 31 percent higher than they are today. Would this be wise?
A: As soon as your boss gives you a 31 percent pay increase, vote yes by all means.
Q: I was shopping downtown Oak Harbor and saw nothing but signs complaining about the one-way street plan. What’s what that?
A: That’s the one way out of town for elected city council members.
Q: But isn’t the city paying a consultant to move public opinion its way?
A: It takes more than money to win hearts and minds. Ask General Petraeus.
Unfortunately, a military attack would require armored personnel carriers going the wrong way on the one-way street.
Q: I read that Gen. Petraeus may run for president in 2012 as a Republican. What will his strategy be if he wins?
A: Democrats will be offered bribes to go along with his program, if not, expect a visit by an aerial drone operated by your local Republican Precinct Committee.
Q: I missed the Coupeville Memorial Day Parade when I went on Memorial Day. Did I do something wrong?
A: No, Coupeville is always ahead of its time. Santa comes Christmas 23, and by Dec. 25 they toys are already broken.Contact Whidbey News Times Editor Jim Larsen at firstname.lastname@example.org or 1-360-675-6611 (ext 5050).