Opinion

Editor's Column: Enemies identified in War on Climate Change

Americans can rest easy now that the Pentagon has declared climate change a national security threat.

The U.S. military is a can-do organization. When it steps in we no longer have to worry about the inept antics of the National Weather Service, Homeland Security or Congress.

Amazingly, the military has already identified the “Bad Guys” in the War on Climate. This follows the successful strategy used in the War on Terror. Realizing that the average American could not find Iraq, Afghanistan or Pakistan on a map stuck to the side of their Budweiser bottle, the Pentagon personalized the fight against Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar. We’ll stop at nothing to find and kill these guys, no matter how many trillions of dollars it may take.

The bad guys in the Pentagon’s new Climate War were relatively easy to find, as Americans have long been suspicious of Jack Frost and his co-conspirator, Sunny Jim. Jack Frost is a terrorist known for placing roadside ice everywhere, causing thousands to slip into ditches and some to die. Just the thought of Jack Frost freezes many Americans from action. Monday, for example, Island Transit canceled some early-morning runs because of a layer of frost, leaving many riders to battle Jack Frost on their own. Management could only pray that Jack’s visit would be a quick one, and not a repeat of last year when he viciously brought the whole island to a standstill.

The task of killing the terrorist Jack Frost has been given to Northern Command General General Stanley Mc IceChrystal, who is hunting for the elusive Mr. Frost with CIA aerial drones. “We ID’d him at a wedding and let him have it with a Hellfire missile,” Mc IceChrystal said. “We found the bodies of the future Mr. and Mrs. Snowman and various small icicles, but I’m afraid Jack slipped away.”

President Obama has approved 30,000 more troops to help seek out and melt Jack Frost.

Meanwhile, the Southern Command of the Climate War is headed by General Frowny Petraeus, who is seeking out the diabolical Sunny Jim. The latter got his name at a young age as the amiable son of a peanut farmer in Georgia, but he turned against the government when peanut butter was taken off the list of recommended school lunch ingredients.

Since then his relentless, bright smile has been warming the atmosphere, threatening agriculture and causing widespread panic by overheating silicon implants.

Thanks to Sunny Jim, global warming is moving from the south to the north, while thanks to Jack Frost global cooling is moving from the north to the south.

The two fronts are forecast to meet in Washington, D.C., destroying the seat of government along with the Pentagon in an apocalyptic storm that will make “The Day After Tomorrow” look like a work of fiction.

The only thing standing between us and this climatological disaster is the Pentagon. As soon as they nail Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar, Jack Frost and Sunny Jim are in serious trouble.

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