Opinion

Editor's column: Mr. Answer Man tackles some more questions

Q: I wanted a new Deception Pass Bridge, a bridge to Camano Island, a bridge to Mukilteo and a bridge to Port Townsend. What happened?

A: Unfortunately, senators Maria Cantwell and Patty Murray gave away their votes on health care. Next time, vote for the Kleptocrats, the promising political party based in Louisiana.

Q: I see that a baby killer whale has been born in the San Juan Islands to a 16-year-old mother named Polaris. Isn't this a little young?

A: Teenage pregnancy is a growing problem among killer whales, probably because they swim so close to high schools in Friday Harbor, Oak Harbor and Coupeville. Planned Parenthood is working furiously to come up with a large, salmon-flavored pill they can gulp down daily.

Q: I haven't received a cent from the federal government during the economic crisis. Am I doing something wrong?

A: You probably pay your bills on time and never ask for a handout. You'll never get ahead with that philosophy.

Q: I'm baffled why the Obama administration is giving 9/11 super-terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a public trial in federal court. Couldn't they find a better option?

A: They tried, but Judge Judy's docket was already full for next season.

Q: George W. Bush held hands with the king of Saudi Arabia, and now Barack Obama is bowing to royalty in Japan. Are they trying to tell us something?

A: Borrowers have always kowtowed to their big lenders. Try it with the mortgage company and they might give you another month before you have to live in your car.

Q: What does it tell us that researchers have found signs of heart disease in a 3,500 year old Egyptian mummy?

A: That he's still waiting to see a doctor, thanks to the pharaoh's nationalized health care plan.

Q: I see Boeing is already clearing land for its new 787 plant in South Carolina. Where would they be in the process had they built it in Everett?

A: At this point, Snohomish County planning officials would be in the process of making a determination of environmental significance. Some months hence a Determination of Nonsignificance may be made, but with an estimated 135 mitigating actions required by Boeing, including on-ramps, off-ramps, bridge, tunnel and protection for four visually-impaired seagulls that frequent the site. Of course the DNS could be appealed by environmentalists to the Hearing Examiner, the Court of Appeals, and the Supreme Court. That roughly covers the first five years of the process. If Boeing should win at every level and spend the requisite millions, dirt could be turned within the decade, with luck.

Q: Congress still hasn't overhauled Wall Street regulations since the great public robbery of '08. Why not?

A: Wall Street bankers have been so busy making money with their free taxpayer money, that they haven't had time to write the new rules for Congress to adopt. Wink, wink.

Q: I can't think of any safe place to invest my money. Any ideas?

A: Stock up on cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate bars.

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