Mr. Know-it-all answers health care questions

Mr. Know-It-All’s recent swine flu advice was so well-received by those who are no longer with us that he’s decided to write an entire column devoted to health care questions, in hopes of getting a TV gig on Oprah some day.

Q: Congress spent about $9 trillion in a few months bailing out the banks, insurance companies, mortgage companies and car companies. Now they say they can’t afford $1 trillion over 10 years for health care. What’s wrong with this picture?

A: The sick people lobby isn’t doing its job. Unhook that IV, walk through the electronic doors with your checkbook glued to your gown, and get to a political fundraising dinner! If you call ahead, your rubber chicken can be administered intravenously.

Q: About once a month when the moon is full my son’s nose flattens out, his teeth grow, his body gets short and squat, and he starts biting old ladies. What’s wrong with him?

A: Your son has all the characteristics of a werepit. He must have been bitten by an infected pit bull. All you can do is call PETA, which will find the boy a loving home among the breed-unspecific Gypsies.

Q: I’m worried that thousands of students at Washington State University have come down with swine flu, even before the vaccine is available. What’s going to happen?

A: It’s a tragic situation for the pharmaceutical companies. The students will get well in three days without spending $35 on a swine flu shot. However, it’s great news for the beer companies.

Q: I’ve been out of work for months. How do I get appointed to a Death Panel, if that is indeed part of the Democrats’ heath care plan?

A: You have to recognize the signs of a terminal patient: A temperature of at least 101 degrees, plus a large, taxable estate. “Sorry, you’ve got terminal Republicanitis, would you like a pill, or a shot?”

Q: As an older person, I dread the thought of euthanasia. Can’t we stamp it out?

A: Youth in Asia are no different than youth in Africa or youth in America. They’re all terrifying, but history shows they can’t be stopped.

Q: I remember when it was illegal to advertise prescription drugs on TV. What happened?

A: The drug companies tranquilized Congress.

Q: The average American has enough prescription drugs to turn a rogue elephant into a pussycat, so why is marijuana still illegal?

A: We can’t afford to put all those cops, lawyers, judges and jailers on the unemployment rolls.

Q: Why doe you have to get drug-tested to work at Wal-Mart, but not to serve in Congress?

A: You don’t need a urine sample to show Congress is high, all you have to do is watch C-Span.

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