Opinion

Editor's column: More questions for Mr. Know-It-All

Q: It’s fire season again in California, will this year be a bad one?

A: Mortgage companies predict a record number of underwater houses will go up in flames.

Q: I keep reading about Japan’s “lost decade” in the 1990s. What happened there?

A: Nobody knows, we still can’t find it.

Q: How is Boeing’s new Dreamliner coming along?

A: The toilet seats and cup holders are right on schedule, but minor things like the wings and fuselage need more work.

Q: Couldn’t this be an economic catastrophe for Boeing?

A: No. In the worse-case scenario, Congress buys the company and orders individual private jets for each congress person.

Q: Is President Obama making any progress in his outreach to the Muslim masses?

A: Attitudes toward the U.S. appear to be softening. In Tehran yesterday, street demonstrators were shouting, “Death to our leaders! Death to Israel! Death to the United Kingdom! Bad headache and three days of diarrhea to America!

Q: Abercrombie & Fitch, the clothing store for young people, keeps hemorrhaging money. How can they stop it?

A: They might try putting clothes on their models.

Q: Why are the media and government fanning the flames of panic over swine flu?

A: Terrorists are taking a sabbatical and they need to fill air time and justify their existence.

Q: How can I tell if someone has the swine flu?

A: Their nose turns pink, they grunt a lot and they squirm in bed like bacon in a frying pan.

Q: Any truth to the rumor that the real name of Barack Obama’s mother is Rosemary?

A: We’re not saying the president is Rosemary’s baby, but we’d like to see some proof that he’s not.

Q: The federal government says our schools are failing. Is this important?

A: Yes. Dysfunctional people who can’t do basic math tend to get elected to Congress where they spend money mindlessly. In the future, if you can’t pass the WASL you can’t run for office.

Q: Does it bother Hillary Clinton that her husband Bill keeps stealing the spotlight?

A: Ask her, and then run for your life.

Q: With President Obama’s health care plan on the ropes, he agreed to be interviewed by an 11-year-old school boy. What’s next?

A: When people figure out his Afghanistan policy is a disaster, he’ll be interviewed by a 9-year-old Mujahdeen.

Q: I was watching the PGA golf tournament with the kids when an embarrassing ED commercial came on. What can we do about this?

A: Send some to Congress. It might stiffen their backbones so they can control the drug companies.

Q: It looks like NASA can’t afford to go to useless, desolate places like the moon and Mars. What are the other options?

A. Iraq and Afghanistan.

Q: Can you update the Good Samaritan story?

A: Once an injured man was lying by the side of the road. A Samaritan stopped and said, “If I call 911 the ambulance ride will cost you $1,500, various body scans will cost $15,000, blood tests will be $3,000, each night at the hospital will cost $10,000, and you’ll lose everything. I think I’ll leave you right here.” To which the injured man responded, “Bless you, Good Samaritan.”

Q: Should I buy a netbook for the kids?

A: They’re too young to read about Nemo being caught by fishermen.

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