Opinion

Editor's Column: The Super Bowl, Olympics-style

Many people can’t get enthused about this year’s Olympics. Maybe around here it’s because we all watched the Super Bowl which was understandable and exciting, though the outcome was disappointing. It’s hard not to wonder what the Super Bowl would have been like had it been broadcast like the Olympics. Our imaginary announcer can give us a few hints.

“Welcome sports fans to Super Bowl XL. Hopefully most of you walked around all day with blinders over your eyes and plugs in your ears, because the game actually ended 16 hours ago! We’re showing it late at night because we feel we can make more money that way. Good for you if you haven’t already heard the score.

“Yes fans, we’ll be bringing you all the highlights of the Super Bowl, from opening kickoff to the glory of victory, but not necessarily in that order. We’ll show you what we want, when we want! We didn’t bid $5 billion for this game to give the viewers what they want.

OK, it’s time for the kickoff. But first, a brief featurette on the kicker, whose life changed at the age of 10 when his puppy met an untimely demise. The crate the puppy was in fell out of an Alaska Airlines flight at 20,000 feet. Someone apparently forgot to shut the cargo door. All the little boy could find was spots of Spot scattered over the countryside. How he overcame this trauma to become an NFL kicker rather than an intravenous drug user will bring tears to the eyes of those females 18 to 49, which is the marketing demographic this featurette is aimed at.

“OK sports fans, that was indeed an inspirational 45-minute featurette. Now that we know the kicker has dedicated this game to his late dog Spot, we can show you that on the opening kickoff, he was swarmed by all 11 of the opposing players. The kicker now knows how Spot felt when he hit the ground, and he’s out of the game forever.

“Meanwhile, the featurette and accompanying commercials made us miss the entire first half of football, but here are the finest offensive and defensive plays, with the film magically layered so you can see it all at once, in 30-seconds flat, so we can go to commercial, which is the entire idea of this Super Bowl.

“Welcome back, fans! We now find ourselves in the final seconds of the fourth quarter, showing it to you as it actually happened only hours ago. Here’s a replay of a wide receiver making a spectacular catch in the end zone. We’d like to scream “six points!” but truth be told, we have no idea how this game is scored. The judges decide the merit of all the plays, based on technical difficulty and how much moola they are offered by the various countries, so we’ll just have to wait and see who wins Super Bowl XL. We’ll bring you the final scores after another dozen commercials.

The results are in fans, and the Pittsburg Steelers have won, even though we all know the Seattle Seahawks played a better game! Everyone in the stadium is shocked except the judges, who are looking inside their wallets and smiling.

“And that’s it for the 2006 Super Bowl, except for the four-hour closing ceremonies which we will show you from beginning to end, with a featurette on the agony of defeat for the Seahawks who are facing a dismal off-season in luxurious vacation resorts. Until next time, this is NBC Sports saying thanks for trying to watch.”

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