Editor's Column: How felons make voting choices

The two major political parties are arguing over hundreds of votes cast illegally by felons and how they may have affected the election. Five of those felons cast their ballots from Island County, and we were lucky enough to track one down, throw a dog leash around his neck, tie him to a chair, and grill him on his voting preferences.

As a convicted felon with no regard for the law, how exactly do you set your priorities when voting?

It’s tough. In fact, I must have been crazy when I decided to vote. I’m looking for the biggest crooks to back, but it’s so hard to decide.

Why’s that?

Take Social Security. I was impressed by the alacrity displayed by Congress in stealing folks’ Social Security money over the past 20 years. Trillions in taxes were poured in, but now the fund is almost broke and they’re blaming the people who paid the taxes. Definitely a great scam, but both parties seem to be responsible. I made a mental note that next time I rob a bank to leave an IOU, then it won’t be stealing. I’ll use the “Congress does it too,” defense, which should allow me to get away with anything.

So how did you vote?

I split my ticket between Democrats and Republicans, kind of like giving one vote to Bonnie and then one to Clyde. Don’t want either party mad at me.

But you only had only one choice for President, who’d you go with there?

Again, it was tough. There was so much not to like about either candidate. But I had to vote against Bush. Here he invades a country for the oil, which is inspirational to guys like myself, but we get no oil out of it. Fact is, gas costs a buck a gallon more than it did before the invasion and we’re $300 billion in the hole. The other guy, Kerry, cleaned up just by marrying a rich widow so I voted for him. He knows it’s best to go for the easy money first.

They say the felon vote could have been the difference in the governor’s race. Who did you pick, Dino Rossi or Christine Gregoire?

That was the easiest choice of all. Guy’s got a name like Dino and he’s got the felon vote wrapped up. We don’t want Dino or his henchmen to come gunnin’ for us.

Any regrets?

Well, it turns out Christine was tougher than her name sounds. Put the screws to people who buy gas, own cars, attend college, drink booze, smoke -- generally shook down the entire population except pedal-pumpin’ vegans. Yeah, I’d say we underestimated her. But back in November she looked Granny Smith, not Ma Baker.

Did you learn any lessons from voting illegally as a felon?

Yea, I started studying the issues and realized where the real money is. Next election, I’m running for office.

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