Opinion

Editor's Column: Drug testing changes America

America finally began to change for the better when baseball players demanded that members of Congress undergo periodic testing for the use of steroids and other performance enhancers and mood modifiers.

“Sure, we made a few mistakes,” said artificially-enhanced slugger Jose Canseco, who was grilled by Congress last week about his use of steroids. “But we’re only baseball players. We don’t cost anyone their money or their lives.”

Canseco said that in the short time he was in the hallowed halls of Congress, the people’s representatives spent approximately $500 million, or nearly twice the contract Alex Rodriguez signed with the Texas Rangers.

“And this was during a recess,” Canseco said. “Congress was basically spending on autopilot.”

Canseco’s concerns about Congressional spending prompted major papers to change they way they cover Washington. The pulled out their political reporters and replaced them with sports reporters. Only then did the truth start to surface.

“I haven’t seen so many pumped up people since I walked through the San Francisco Giants’ locker-room,” said veteran sportswriter Fuzzy Scoup of the Examiner. “No wonder these people can spend with such relentless consistency.”

Scoup fingered House Speaker Dennis Hastert as one of the most likely steroid abusers in Congress.

“He’s a former wrestler and wrestling coach, and he still looks like the Incredible Hulk,” said Scoup. “Watch him spend, and he’s amazing. He doles out billions to defense, then the same to education and prescription drugs, all with no accountability. It’s incredible. In fact, all of Congress might be described as The Incredibles when it comes to spending. Nobody from any other era ever came close, and we thought we had some big spenders in the Johnson and Reagan administrations. But they were pikers by comparison. Hastert just couldn’t do it without steroids to keep him focused and pounding that gavel to cut off debate about balancing the budget.”

In the Senate, Scoup pointed the finger not at a wrestler, but at a Boxer: Barbara, to be exact.

“She fills out a suit better than Hastert, at least around the shoulders, so you know she’s bulked up for the spending battle,” Scoup said. “While she’s weaker on defense, she makes up for it in every other area of the budget, from subsiding illegal immigrants to shoveling out foreign aid to people who hate us. Bottom line, Hastert’s got nothing on Boxer when it comes to rampant spending and possible steroid abuse.”

Scoup also worries that illegal drugs may be to blame for the extreme partisanship on Congress, in which Democrats literally hate Republicans, and vice versa.

“Have you ever looked into Nancy Pelosi’s rabid eyes?” he asked. “You call that natural? Same goes with Tom DeLay’s remorseless stare. They’re just not human looking. When alcohol was the only drug in Congress, the mood was much more collegial.”

Scoup’s scoops about Congressional drug abuse resulted in a nationwide demand for drug testing of all men and women serving in Congress. Voters no longer trusted what Congress people had to say about any issue. “Don’t give us your analysis, give us urinalysis!” became the public’s battle cry.

The people prevailed, and before long Congress was not allowed to vote until everyone tested negative for all foreign substances. And that ushered in the golden era of honest government in America.

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