Opinion

EDITOR'S COLUMN: Baby Boomers beware governors

The nation’s governors met in Seattle over the weekend to discuss the “aging baby boomer” problem, and what to do about it.

As one of those “aging” baby boomers, for whom other adjectives such as experienced, learned and productive were apparently rejected, I must say that we boomers are worried about what the governors are planning for us, because chances are we won’t like it.

It’s tough enough being an aging boomer in today’s world without worrying about things getting even worse in the future. Those of us in the work force know that the 20 through 40 somethings are just waiting for us to die, so they can get our jobs. My staff meetings now last approximately 2 minutes, which is how long it takes the smiling staff faces to transform into predatory buzzard faces ready to jump on my aging carcass. I shoo them out of my office before they can strike, but I know the day will come when they won’t shoo. Future historians will write about “The Attack of the Somethings,” when the boomers were obliterated in one terrible day of envy and vengeance.

But before that happens we’ll have to live through the government helping us — never an easy task for any population. The Seattle Times reports that the governors are thinking of monitoring every step taken by aging boomers so the authorities will know where we are at all times. No doubt we’ll be rounded up by the Boomer Catcher and injected with a chip originally meant for a wandering rottweiler. If we stroll out of bounds, our electric collars will zap us back into place.

The governors also want to prepare our communities to be “elder ready,” meaning that all stores will be on level ground so we can continue to get along. Our cars will be taken from us, but we can still crawl or even roll into the story to get our monthly supply of Depends and meds.

Caring for boomers is becoming a booming business, the governors agree. We’ll need people to take us to the psychiatrist, spoon us our meals, wipe our chins, wash us, medicate us and sedate us. We’ll have so much expensive help required by the government that the average retired baby boomer will go broke in six weeks, making us entirely dependent on the state. Then we’ll live in level, government-approved boomer warehouses where we’ll be monitored constantly, fed gruel intravenously, tracked down and zapped if we manage to escape momentarily.

What the nation’s governors need to do is stop worrying about baby boomers. Let us go in peace, among familiar surroundings. Private enterprise will give us what we want: An inexpensive way to end it all while while keeping our dignity intact, and a place with golden arches where our remains can be sent: “McDeath’s, over one billion cremated.” At least we’ll feel at home there.

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