Opinion

EDITOR'S COLUMN: America’s new industry ready for war

There’s been a lot of talk about World War II this week, what with Memorial Day and the dedication of the new World War II memorial in Washington, D.C. America’s industrial might is credited with turning the tide of that war, as we cranked up our steel industry, manufactured thousands of tanks, airplanes and ships, and produced the myriad other items necessary to win a war.

With World War III brewing, one wonders when America’s industrial might will re-emerge. So far, all we’ve done is borrow money. Eventually, if we hope to win this war, we’ll have to produce. After some investigation, we can confidently say that 21st Century American industry is ready to start doing its part in the war effort.

Of course, our industry has changed over the years. Manufacturing has been moved overseas, and we import almost all of our basic needs. America is home to the new industrial revolution. While different, its various industries are willing to help with the war effort. Here’s a look at the readiness of our major industries:

Movie industry: As the world’s number one producer of big-screen entertainment, our film companies are moving to a war footing. If we can churn out enough blockbuster films about Shrek, global warming and Spiderman, our enemies may be too busy buying popcorn to attack us.

Music industry: Our opponents have nothing to match Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Snoop Dog and Madonna when it comes to winning the hearts and minds of the people of the world. Few will dare take up arms against us when they realize it could jeopardize their ability to download the latest pop tunes from the U.S.

Porn industry: Porn is a $9 billion industry, so important that California recently panicked when an AIDS scare temporarily halted production. Fortunately, emergency testing quickly put the actresses back on their backs and the industry was saved. We can ship porn CD’s to the Muslim world, teaching them to how to make love, not war.

Counseling industry: This employs hundreds of thousands of Americans, most of whom could be deployed overseas to chat with terrorists and others with a grudge against the U.S. Get to the bottom of their animosity and prescribe the proper medication to alleviate the hostility. Appoint General Dr. Phil to lead the troops.

Gaming industry: This industry might be the biggest in America, if you add up all the bets made on college and pro sports, and in Indian and non-Indian casinos. All state governments depend on it, and it’s so big that it even changed the language by removing the “BL” from gambling. As the present war spreads, expect gamers to start wagering on who will win. When the terrorists see the 3:2 odds against them, they’ll likely lay down their rocked propelled grenades.

Alcohol Industry: Thanks to advertising, America leads the world in producing booze, marketing everything from Ice beer to Jim Beam to teenagers and young adults. If we can get young Muslims hooked, they’ll have no interest in war. Hey, it worked with the Indians.

As Admiral Yamamoto said after Dec. 7, 1941, “I fear we have awakened a sleeping giant.” The same thing could happen in 2004, except this time the giant isn’t sleeping, he’s passed out.

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