EDITOR'S COLUMN: Doughnut fund-raisers become a threat

We need an emergency meeting of medical experts to determine how many more Krispy Kreme Doughnut fund-raisers Whidbey Island can absorb before the island sinks due to its weighty population.

The Krispy Kreme fund-raiser was a great idea when it was new last December. It raised a lot of money for a good cause. But since then there have been too many to count because a good fund-raising idea spreads faster than a bad virus.

Some people ask $6 a dozen, some $10, some $12, but nobody lacks for customers. I know why. Back in December I ate one of the first Krispy Kremes off the truck and it was delicious. Warm and melt-in-your-mouth-gooey. Everything you could want in a doughnut. Shortly thereafter I quit eating doughnuts because I knew another one like that one would kill me. Either that or I would become a Krispy Kreme junkie, begging on the streets for money with which to purchase another chocolate kreme-filled delight. They should make an intravenous version so doughnut junkies can feel the effects faster.

But what about the morality of a fund-raiser that makes participants fat? That can block their arteries like Dan Wilson blocks home plate? Is it good to try to kill the people who support your cause?

Many people buy Krispy Kremes during fund-raisers and try not to eat them themselves. For months, every coffee table in Oak Harbor has been adorned with a box of Krispy Kremes. The purchaser might snitch one or two, but secretly hopes that his or her friends will swoop in and finish them off, like buzzards after a fresh carcass. It’s not good for friendships. After the feasting ends, there’s resentment: “You made me eat six Krispy Kremes, you evil person. Got any more?”

The temptation became so great for myself that I finally had to appoint a DE (designated eater), who is one of my co-workers. I patterned it after the DH (designated hitter) in baseball. I can’t eat the doughnuts myself, so I give mine to my DE, who has been known to eat up to eight Krispy Kremes at a time. As he eats them, he describes the flavor so I can virtually participate in the experience without gaining weight. Unfortunately, my DE was recently hospitalized to have his system pumped out and he’s beginning to think the doughnuts were to blame.

The least the Krispy Kreme people could do is to give a fund-raising alternative selection to people who really don’t want to eat the doughnuts. Call it the Soggy Kurdled Kreme Doughnut which people buy to support the worthy cause, and then immediately trash due to the sour cream aroma. Everybody wins. The fund-raisers get their money, Krispy Kreme gets theirs, and the purchaser gets to live another day. Make mine chocolate.

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