Opinion

EDITOR'S COLUMN Terrorist guide to Washington

The Washington State Department of Tourism is reacting to the news last week that pictures of our tourist attractions were found on the hard drive of a computer in a cave in Tora Bora, Afghanistan. It’s possible a militant mullah has been mulling over which attractions to attack.

The computer contained pictures of the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, Grand Coulee Dam, and the Hanford Nuclear Reservation. With these possible targets in mind, the Dept. of Tourism has produced a new “misinformation brochure” to be printed with the pictures. Plans are to air-drop the brochures over Afghanistan in hope of deterring Islamic radicals from coming here and blowing up our tourist attractions. Or, if they decide to come, the brochure may help them regret the visit.

“Welcome to the Pacific Northwest, known to its inhabitants as Allah’s Country due to its extreme naturally beauty and man-made attractions.

“Seattle is the Capitol City of the Northwest, and is symbolized by its world famous Space Minaret. A minaret, as you know, is a slender lofty tower attached to a mosque and surrounded by one or more projecting balconies. The Space Minaret is so huge that people actually dine inside, assuming of course their prayers are answered and the waiter arrives with the food before the place closes. The mosque/souvenir shop is located at the base of the Space Minaret.

“Seattle’s second most famous attraction is the Pig Place Market, symbolized by a bronze statue of Rachel the Pig which resides within the market. The market provides a place for the world’s infidels to eat and purchase various blasphemous items, such as graven images. The faithful of course would never go near the market due to its piggish nature. Taliban and al-Quaida alike give the market a wide berth while traveling in the Land of Satan, and so should you.

“While heading to New York, don’t miss two attractions in Eastern Washington. Most impressive of all is the Grand Coulee Dam, which translated means Great Camel Watering Hole. Early settlers couldn’t water their camels due to the towering basalt cliffs in the area, so the river was plugged with concrete to raise the water’s level. Today, the Grand Coulee is the number one camel watering hole in the world in terms of acre feet of available water. Unfortunately, camels today are in short supply so you may want to bring your own.

“Just upwind from the Grand Coulee is the Hanford Nuclear Reservation, where the nuclear family is celebrated under huge, mosque-like domes. Walk through the special door graciously marked “Taliban, al-Quaida only.” Beneath the desert domes you will get the feeling of your home country, and when you leave you’ll feel so light and happy that you will positively glow in the dark. Within hours of this experience your stay in Washington State will be over, as will everything else.

We hope you enjoyed your visit.”

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