You can spend like the government

Americans almost never get a chance to spend like their government, but thanks to our elected leaders that chance is coming to a mailbox near you.

We’ll all be getting a $600 rebate check to help spur the economy. This isn’t like real money, it’s government money, meaning: 1) you didn’t do a lick of work for it; 2) it’s actually borrowed from the Chinese; and 3) you have to spend it, otherwise what good is it?

Since it’s government money, you might as well spend it as if you were the government. For one day, you can pretend that you’re an elected representative with money to throw at everything. Once you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s fun.

First, you’re going to have to spend a third of your $600 on defense, which is what the government does. Look around your neighborhood, can you really trust everyone you see? Of course not. Even Grandpa Jones could bust through your back door, grab all your stuff and abscond with your spouse. The fact that Grandpa Jones weights 97 pounds and carries a walking stick, and you weigh 225 and bought an arsenal from Wal-Mart, is beside the point. Maybe Grandma Jones will join the assault. So invest $200 in a bow and arrow, slingshot, BB gun and pellet gun. If there’s any left over, buy a quart of ammonia to be used as a non-lethal weapon. The old coot is sure to abandon his assault when he gets a whiff of that stuff.

Next, take care of your own family, only you’ll have to think a little differently since you’re now spending like an elected official. Don’t pay the kid who does his chores and passes his WASLs. Instead, hand over cash to the one who refuses to work or study. After all, he’s the one who really needs the money.

Having assured domestic tranquility, now look around your town. How are the farm people doing? Find out, and then help those who can help you grow money for your next campaign. It’s a waste to help the poor gardener purchase seed to grow food for the town. Instead, pay the big farmer not to grow anything, or to grow crops for fuel! This will raise prices for everyone and the big farmer will like you a lot.

The same theory applies to the businesses in town. If they’re struggling, let them sink. Give money to the bankers so they can make more risky loans, it will pay off for you in the end.

By now you’ve probably spent your $600, but don’t let that stop you. Remember, this is your day as an elected representative so take your last $20 bill to Kinko’s and print off as many copies as you need. Use pretty colors, the government likes that. Then hand out the phony money to anyone who might be able to help you in the future, or for any cause that makes you look good.

We’re having a great time. Too bad this day can’t last forever.

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