Opinion

Editor's Column: Who’s that knocking on my door?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The House Unamerican Activities Committee.

The House Unamerican Activities Committee who?

What, you think this is a joke? We’d read you your rights, but you don’t have any rights.

OK, settle down. I thought HUAC died with Joe McCarthy. What’s the deal?

Government creations never die, they just wait until their time has come again. Think Michael Myers.

Am I accused of something? Being a communist, maybe?

We’re no longer into hunting communists. We’re promoting consumerism. And the charge is you’re not a consumerist. You didn’t go shopping on Black Friday.

How do you know that?

The Federal Association of Retailers gave us a list of those who didn’t spend on Friday, and you’re on it. We checked your phone and Internet records. No evidence of electronic shopping, either. In short, you’re Unamerican.

How’s that? I work, I pay my taxes. I vote.

You don’t support our economy, that’s why. Consumer spending generates 72 percent of our economy, and you didn’t participate. If you don’t spend, America as we know it ceases to exist.

The fact is, I was a little short last Friday. Payday isn’t until this Friday. I thought I’d do some Christmas shopping then.

This isn’t good. Too bad you won’t have the right to a lawyer when the president declares you an enemy combatant.

I’m helping the enemy?

Yes, not spending is a terrorist act. It hampers our economy, which works into the hands of Osama bin Laden.

But I was broke.

That’s no excuse. Follow your government’s lead. It’s broke, but still spends like crazy on wars, drug programs, ethonol subsidies, the list is endless. Just borrow the money, like your neighbors, the ones who borrow for fancy cars, big houses, hot tubs, all that stuff that makes us the envy of the world.

Benjamin Franklin said a penny saved is a penny earned. I’ve always lived by that adage.

Benjamin who? Is he some kind of agitator? A penny saved does nothing for economic activity. A penny spent boosts the economy. You got the address of this guy?

No, he’s dead, and no doubt happily so. Look, I don’t want to go to jail, what do I have to do to be a good American?

Well, first you have to max out that one credit card you’ve got. And while you’re doing that, take advantage of all those other credit card offers in the mail you’ve been throwing away. Max them out, too. Pour thousands of borrowed dollars into the economy and live like a king while doing it. It’s really not painful to support your country.

But, won’t I eventually have to pay the piper?

The piper is on the government dole, so he won’t bother you. When you get into trouble, just go bankrupt and start all over. It’s like Monopoly, when you lose you start a new game.

But don’t the Chinese have all our Monopoly money?

Yes, but we’ve got all the aircraft carriers and thousands of nuclear missiles. They’ll keep giving us money.

Thanks, HUAC. I’m going shopping now if you don’t mind.

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