Editor's Column: Whos that knocking on my door?
July 3, 2008 · Updated 11:00 PM
The House Unamerican Activities Committee.
The House Unamerican Activities Committee who?
What, you think this is a joke? Wed read you your rights, but you dont have any rights.
OK, settle down. I thought HUAC died with Joe McCarthy. Whats the deal?
Government creations never die, they just wait until their time has come again. Think Michael Myers.
Am I accused of something? Being a communist, maybe?
Were no longer into hunting communists. Were promoting consumerism. And the charge is youre not a consumerist. You didnt go shopping on Black Friday.
How do you know that?
The Federal Association of Retailers gave us a list of those who didnt spend on Friday, and youre on it. We checked your phone and Internet records. No evidence of electronic shopping, either. In short, youre Unamerican.
Hows that? I work, I pay my taxes. I vote.
You dont support our economy, thats why. Consumer spending generates 72 percent of our economy, and you didnt participate. If you dont spend, America as we know it ceases to exist.
The fact is, I was a little short last Friday. Payday isnt until this Friday. I thought Id do some Christmas shopping then.
This isnt good. Too bad you wont have the right to a lawyer when the president declares you an enemy combatant.
Im helping the enemy?
Yes, not spending is a terrorist act. It hampers our economy, which works into the hands of Osama bin Laden.
But I was broke.
Thats no excuse. Follow your governments lead. Its broke, but still spends like crazy on wars, drug programs, ethonol subsidies, the list is endless. Just borrow the money, like your neighbors, the ones who borrow for fancy cars, big houses, hot tubs, all that stuff that makes us the envy of the world.
Benjamin Franklin said a penny saved is a penny earned. Ive always lived by that adage.
Benjamin who? Is he some kind of agitator? A penny saved does nothing for economic activity. A penny spent boosts the economy. You got the address of this guy?
No, hes dead, and no doubt happily so. Look, I dont want to go to jail, what do I have to do to be a good American?
Well, first you have to max out that one credit card youve got. And while youre doing that, take advantage of all those other credit card offers in the mail youve been throwing away. Max them out, too. Pour thousands of borrowed dollars into the economy and live like a king while doing it. Its really not painful to support your country.
But, wont I eventually have to pay the piper?
The piper is on the government dole, so he wont bother you. When you get into trouble, just go bankrupt and start all over. Its like Monopoly, when you lose you start a new game.
But dont the Chinese have all our Monopoly money?
Yes, but weve got all the aircraft carriers and thousands of nuclear missiles. Theyll keep giving us money.
Thanks, HUAC. Im going shopping now if you dont mind.