Opinion

Mr. Pundit answers your questions Editor’s column

Mr. Pundit receives more letters than he could ever hope to answer, so we’ll dispose of some of the answer here, free of charge.

Question: I see one of the Democratic finalists for the presidential nomination is a terrorist-hugging, Muslim-loving, American-hating, wimp who can’t bowl. Whatever happened to that inspirational African-American with the attractive wife and lovely daughters?

Mr. Pundit: It’s the same guy, only after six months in the Great American Political Spin Machine.

Question: Well, at least if he wins the nomination, all his past associations are already out of the closet.

Mr. Pundit: Not quite. The opposition has yet to reveal that he once walked to work on the same sidewalk used by a known pedophile, and that he was against changing the name of Chicago to Reaganville.

Question: Mr. Pundit, I saw on TV that there’s some weird cult in Texas with hundreds of children under its control that they expose to sex at the earliest age, and urge them to partake in the activity whenever they feel the urge. What’s this cult called?

Mr. Pundit: The government.

Question: I see that the same Wall Street investors who brought us the tech stock bust and housing bust are now bidding up the price of food, creating shortages and starvation throughout the world. Is this moral?

Mr. Pundit: It’s only natural that people with no savings and no housing lose their food, too. It’s called survival of the fittest. Once they die off the demand for food will subside and prices will decrease. Investors who get out of food before the die-off will make a mint, as nature intended.

Question: With the tech, housing and food bubbles burst, what will Wall Street invest in next?

Mr. Pundit: As World War II veterans know, there are only three things with intrinsic value: cigarettes, nylon stockings and candy bars. Look for all three to go through the roof.

Question: But people won’t have any money, how can they pay for such valuable items?

Mr. Pundit: They can trade their children, each of whom is worth one pack of Camels, one pair of L’eggs, and two Snickers bars. These slave kids will be put to work manufacturing products for Wal-Mart which should keep the core inflation rate at a manageable level.

Question: I’m a little confused about the war in Iraq, which has been on the back pages since all this political stuff started. Are we winning yet?

Mr. Pundit: We can see the light at the end of the rocket propelled grenade launcher. We already have some of the Sunnis on our side, and some of the Shia, and most of the Kurds, though many of the Sunnis, as well as the Shia, and some of the Kurds, would like to behead us all. On the other hand, it’s only a matter of time and money until they all switch sides.

Question: Doesn’t John McCain have a plan to end the war?

Mr. Pundit: Yes, he will end it in a flash. The only drawback is that future oil from the Middle East would be radioactive.

Question: I wouldn’t mind radioactive gas, if it was cheaper.

Mr. Pundit: Neither would I.

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