Opinion

Column resumes following popular demand by one | Editor's column

This column was suspended when the writer took a two-week vacation in June and noticed upon return that no one wondered what happened to the column. Perhaps nobody was reading it, let alone missing it? So the writer did a twist on the biblical story of Sodom, when God more or less told Abraham that if he could find only one honest person in town He would spare that person. The modern twist: If only one person expressed regret that this column was missing, then it would be resumed.

Days ticked by, then weeks, then months. Nobody mentioned the column, let alone missing it. Just when it seemed doomed to antiquity, however, someone sent word through a third party that she missed the column and wished it would resume.

The good news for this one person is that the column has resumed, at least for this week. The bad news is that if she reads it, she will turn into a pillar of salt. (It’s fun playing God.)

Well, we have a lot of catching up to do, so let’s start with the big earthquake that shook up the East Coast. People were sad to learn that it caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Not only that, but followers of Sarah Palin were told on her Facebook page that, tragically, there was also a crack in the Liberty Bell.

Meanwhile, the United States, pretending to be NATO, won a big victory in Libya, not even bothering to tell the American people what we were fighting for. This was an astute move, seeing that Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan were so hard to explain. Keep it up, United States! Americans only want to win, we don’t care against whom. Watch out, Hugo!

Who would have believed in June that the leading Republican running for president would be from Texas? The most recent Texan president preached Compassionate Conservatism, which meant only bombing people in sandy countries. The new Texas candidate expresses no such qualms and promises to be a bonanza for the arms industry. Germany, do you want some more? Italy? How about you leftover Austro-Hungarian Empirians? Wait, didn’t Clinton bomb some of you guys? It’s so hard to keep up, but President Perry will seek advice from Sen. John “We Are All Georgians Now” McCain. Watch out, Russians! Oh, you still have your own bombs? Never mind.

And thus we come to the end of this particular column and perhaps the end of the column era for this particular scribbler.

Unless of course someone else speaks up and asks for more. Unfortunately, the Salt Lady isn’t talking.

 

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